If I walked to Montana...

Just a little fun fact I found: To walk from my apartment to the Montana Conservation Corps office in Bozeman, Google Maps suggests a route of 2,040 miles consisting of 562 turns, and it recommends a travel time of 27 days, 18 hours (dunno if that allows for sleeping). This route goes right by Chicago Mercy Hospital and Lake Michigan... and right through the South Side. *gulp* Too bad you can't click a button that says, "I'm a skinny pasty guy carrying all my possessions on my back."

As a side note, I've been hiking/weightlifting/running for the last week, and I'm already more fit than I've been in three years. I should go to Montana more often.

Big change... *gulp*

I'M GOING TO MONTANA WITH AMERICORPS FOR FIVE MONTHS!!! I START THREE WEEKS FROM TODAY!!!

Holy crap. After weeks of puttering away at my application, I finally had a phone interview with and was later hired by Montana Conservation Corps to do conservation work, help with research, restore natural habitats, and other awesome stuff. I'll be based in Bozeman, about an hour north of Yellowstone. From there, I'll head out with a small crew for about 10 days at a time, camp in the wilderness while working, then return to the metropolis of 30K people for four days to recharge. Repeat for five months.

Awesome. Now I have a reason to lift weights before going, because I'll be lugging around 50 pounds or more of equipment/supplies a good chunk of the time. Regardless of weather. O_o Speaking of which, I'll be hitting up the local parks these next couple of weeks (starting tomorrow morning) to build up my endurance.

I'm so psyched, exclamation points fail to convey my excitement.

Not only do I love the chance to do something new (hey, that's the name of this blog), but I have a glimmer of hope, something I lacked just three short months ago. Instead of banging my head against the brick walls of Wake, I can hurl my body into the elements for the sake of nature. Whee!!! Plus, I'd like to parlay this experience into a job/career of service, which would thrill me to no end.

Then there are the photo opportunities I'm hoping to find, though I don't know how much I'll be able to post while there.

So there you have it. I'll be running around with my hair on fire for the next three weeks, but honestly, I can't wait to get started. This chance, this change comes not a moment too soon. What stinks is that I'll have to leave all the friends I've made this semester and socially start from scratch. I guess I'll have to try keeping in touch as best I can. And yet, my gut tells me I can't stay around Wake much more, using it as a source of company. I just realized that a two whole classes of Latin majors have declared and graduated in the period since my last Latin class in the fall of 2005. Kinda crazy. All that to say, I need to stop clinging to Wake and make a new life for myself.

Here goes...

Unrelated events

I'm feeling low-key and reflective - well, more than usual, anyway - so here's a smattering of what's going on in my life.

On Sunday night/Monday morning we had a good bit of snow in Winston, which was fun to watch but not fun to drive in. I've driven in snow before, but somehow I managed to spin out on a highway ramp and do some significant damage to the rear driver's side. So now I have to deal with the crap of fixing it and all the joys that accompany responsibility: Find a place to get it fixed, the estimation, the rental car.... ugh.

Yesterday I was out taking care of the aforementioned crap when I saw a graveyard and went in on a whim. It was wonderful and peaceful: walking along in the midst of memories I'll never know. All the stories that lie in the dash between "Born on" and "Died on" - it's overwhelming and absorbing. Many stories are straightforward: So-and-so fought in Korea, married, had a child, died. This woman lived for 20 years after her husband died; that man survived a war but died soon after; and on the stories go. Sifting through Death's collection, though, it doesn't take long to find a story that prompts a question or reflection. There's the mother buried beside her then-six-year-old daughter who died in the same year... probably a car crash claimed both. There's the man who likely bought his thirtysomething younger brother a plot next to his own; the 22-year-old with an image of a VW bug on his gravestone; the woman with ceramic cats on hers.

Of course, it's hard to visit a graveyard without thinking of your own mortality. While most of the dead spent at least 60 years above the ground, others had their time cut short at 44, 37, 24, even 18. I've lived longer than the last two listed, and every breath seems to remind me that the next one isn't guaranteed. I recently told my counselor that not too long ago I saw death as a possible escape from life; now it scares me more than anything. I can't bear the thought of ending my story right now; I need to emerge from this mire first!

So, it's off to deal with the mire. I hope your respective "dashes" are going along well - just don't dash through them too fast!

I <3 hiking.

You folks out there must be thinking, "What? Three posts in a single calendar month? Someone get a hold of this man and throw him in the looney bin, because that's not the Matt Barham I know!" What can I say - I'm living dangerously these days.

...which would explain why I have multiple cuts on my hands and legs of jello... but yet I couldn't feel better!

Let me back up. When I realized I'd have some extra time on my hands this week, I thought I'd go hiking around Pilot Mountain but didn't get around to it until this morning. And let me tell you, this was the worst job of preparation I've ever done for a hike: I failed to check the weather, which meant I didn't bring my hat or an appropriate rain coat, so of course it rained on me. Then I somehow brought three pairs of uncharged batteries for my camera, so I have exactly zero pictures to show for my efforts, plus my cell phone died on the way up. But I soldiered on despite these disappointing revelations, and proceeded to have a blast. The biggest surprise of the day came when I found a group of hundreds of ladybugs, just chillin' out in the rocks like it was the most natural thing in the world. I dunno about you, but a mountain in 50-degree weather is not where I'd go if I were a ladybug. Not that I often daydream about being a ladybug...

It was nice being out in the rain because, even though I got soaking wet by the end of the morning, nobody else was around. This meant I could have humorous conversations with myself and not worry about weird looks from other hikers, plus I could have a little fun striking poses on the tops of outcroppings and singing goofy renditions of "Climb Ev'ry Mountain." The biggest downside to the rain and fog (besides the obvious) was that I managed to get lost for about 15 minutes because I couldn't find the trail down. Since I was climbing around the knob, which is a circular formation, I figured I'd eventually find the trail back and be on my way. Unfortunately, I missed the trail and didn't know it until I started seeing some familiar formations and trees, at which point I had to backtrack, second-guessing myself every step of the way and unable to re-orient myself because I couldn't see the sun or anything else over 50 feet away. Oh well, I found my way back.

All in all, a good day. Now if I just had some pictures...

Music

I've always thought of myself as someone with eclectic music preferences, but my library mostly consists of classical pieces and movie soundtracks, making my claim of eclecticity dubious at best. But I dug out my Christmas present of music download gift cards, and now I can legitimately claim to like most anything. Here are my selections from last night:

Lose Yourself (from 8Mile)
Eminem
YMCA
Village People
Rock And Roll
Led Zeppelin
You Know My Name (from Casino Royale)
Chris Cornell
My Girl
The Temptations
You've Got A Friend In Me (from Toy Story) Randy Newman
Mad World (from Donnie Darko)
Michael Andrews
Take On Me
a-ha
Flying Theme (from E.T.)
Boston Pops

So there you have it. Rap, oldies, classic rock, 80's synth pop, depressing, uplifting, feel good and contemporary rock, all here. Oh, and YMCA.

Just something light to share with everyone.

Boldness and Control

Just something on my mind as the evening winds down...

Why is the boldest course of action the easiest to envision but the hardest to enact? It's easy enough to think about dropping everything and running off to travel the world, or volunteering for some relief/aid agency in a remote corner of the globe, or telling someone what I really think/feel about him/her, but no, I stay in safety. I tolerate the annoying customer, I smile at the jerk and treat with mere friendliness the girl I want to ask out; I remain with my job, my apartment, my shell.

Is it better to stay this way? I do take pride in my ability to approach most things diplomatically, to rationally examine alternate and opposing thoughts or actions and determine the merits and disadvantages of each. Yet sometimes I feel shackled to civility. Most of the time I'm Spock, and that's fine; I just wanna be Kirk on occasion. I guess it boils down to a desire to express myself honestly to the rest of the world. Perhaps I should maintain the Vulcan commitment to logic and emotional control when I'm talking politics or making decisions and open up more when dealing with matters of the heart.

Well, I suppose that's it for now. I hope to write more often in 2009, so stay tuned!

There's a lot to talk about, but I'll leave that for later. For now, I just wanted to pass along an e-mail forward that even this bleeding-heart anti-Iraq war liberal appreciated. No critiques, no politics; I like this Christmas poem just the way it is.

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.

The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.

The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know, Then the
sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.

Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.

'What are you doing?' I asked without fear,
'Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!'
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts.

To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said 'Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night.'
'It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.

No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at ' Pearl on a day in December,'
Then he sighed, 'That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers.'
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of ' Nam ',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.

I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.
I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.

I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall.'

' So go back inside,' he said, 'harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right.'
'But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
'Give you money,' I asked, 'or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son.'

Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
'Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us.'

---------------------------------

Have a safe and happy holiday season.