Nostalgia

Wow. That was sudden. After months of keeping my head down and staying focused on the present, this evening a tremendous sense of nostalgia has snuck up and battered my psyche like a bandit.

I was on Facebook, browsing around my friends and acquaintances, when it hit me. Somehow, looking at the names of folks who've graduated since I got here five years ago moved me deeply, reminding me that they're gone. Some are in grad school, some have real jobs, some have spouses and even children. Many of them I'll never see again.

And then, there's October 20 around the corner: The second anniversary of when I spent all day in bed just so I wouldn't kill myself; when I had to leave Wake, check into Holly Hill Hospital under 24-hour supervision for a week, then spend most of the next two months sleeping and crying and wondering what the hell's happened to me.

I still wonder what happened that day. What if I hadn't gotten depressed seven months earlier and graduated with my friends as the class of 2006? What if I'd done my Latin homework the night before, or made it to President Hatch's Inauguration Ceremony like I was supposed to? What if my thyroid had continued functioning normally? Would that have ultimately changed anything? Or would I still be sitting here, remembering the past and wishing I could go back to the days of Alpha Suite and Beta Suite, of "Pit or Not Pit," of Halo, Cookout, and the Quote Board? Maybe I'd have found that purpose I seem to lack, or maybe I'd still be searching for meaning in this crazy life.

And yet, things are okay, somehow. I'm making new friends, attending lectures on such stimulating topics as immigration and the shape of the universe, and getting decent (or better) grades in class.

I just miss having a close-knit group of friends. And a solid faith in God. Oh well - can't have everything, right?

Until next time (and hopefully it'll be a cheerier post), valete.